


big smiles and soft edges and the smell of warm

by rhythmoftherain



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Michael Mell, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, boyf riends - Freeform, cursing, soft boys because i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 01:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20184052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhythmoftherain/pseuds/rhythmoftherain
Summary: Jeremy Heere (the opposite of perfect) is in love with his best friend, Michael Mell (absolute perfection). He just wants to be enough.





	big smiles and soft edges and the smell of warm

**Author's Note:**

> small warning before this fic begins- jeremy has a very bad self esteem in this fic and is still dealing with bad memories from the squip. he spends a lot of time self deprecating, so if that triggers you, please do not read!!!! 
> 
> this fic is only rated teen for cursing and kissing- no explicit stuff or anything.
> 
> also i would die for george salazar!!! that’s all. thank you for reading 
> 
> xoxo ryan

“You deserve someone better than me,” Jeremy sobs. They are sitting in Michael’s basement and Jeremy has been suddenly reminded how great Michael is and how shitty he is. Michael is all big smiles and soft edges and the smell of warm. He is beautiful and fragile and everything Jeremy wants. Everything Jeremy needs. But he isn’t enough.

Michael is pastel spring flowers and fuzzy blankets and squinty eyes. He is soft tan skin and hair you want to touch and black nail polished hands you want to hold. He is playing music on vinyl and sleepy laugher and love songs played on guitar. He is speaking up and staying with you and always, always doing what’s right. He is anxiety and fear and burning memories with blunts but he is Jeremy’s. He was Jeremy’s. Until the SQUIP went and ruined it all and then Michael was just sad. And he wasn’t Jeremy’s and he was alone and he felt like he was nothing. 

Michael is not nothing. He is everything all at once. 

Jeremy hates himself for making Michael feel like that, for making him feel worthless and broken and forgotten. And then accidentally doing that a few more times due to his new friends. 

Yet, Michael forgives him.

Michael is perfect.

And Jeremy isn’t. 

He made Michael feel this way. He made Michael rot from the inside out. He cut out Michael’s heart, and although it’s back to beating, the scars still remain. It will never beat the same because of Jeremy. 

Even worse, he made him love a monster. A boy made of spite and anger and supercomputers from Japan. A boy that is made up of moth eaten blue sweaters and plain jeans and boring glasses when someone isn’t telling him how to be cool. A boy made of fake friends and false love and many regrets when someone is. A boy who, when stripped down to his core, is empty and hollow and flinches whenever someone suddenly touched him and has electric scars on his lower back and called his best friend a loser and dated a girl just to get popular and made out with a girl just to get popular and made fake friends just to get popular and convinced himself that being cool was worth everything. Every single thing he had. Every single thing he didn’t know he needed. 

Every single thing related to Michael.

He loves Michael. Michael is the one thing that keeps him going, that gives him faith in the world. Michael makes Jeremy unafraid and honest and who he’s meant to be. 

And when Michael says, “Jeremy, there’s no one else I’d rather have,” he falls in love with him again. 

His chest heaves as he curls into Michael’s embrace, face wet and nose running. He’s feeling the kind of sadness that’s inescapable, the one that makes you dread getting up every morning and makes it hard to feel anything else but empty. He wants nothing but to escape this, to feel, to have things go back to the way they were. 

But they never well. 

His relationship with Michael has three main periods- Before SQUIP, During SQUIP, and after SQUIP. Or, alternatively, two periods: when he didn’t know he was in love and after he figured out he was. Jeremy likes the second timeline better, since it allows him to forget that he hurt Michael for a little bit. But he never forgets for long. 

Michael’s hands are soothing, one running through his hair while the other is drawing circles into his lower back. It feels perfect, just like Michael, but he doesn’t deserve it. Broken boys don’t deserve perfection. 

As much as it pains him, Jeremy pulls away from Michael and curls up a foot away. He buries his head in his arms so he doesn’t have to see Michael, his frown lines and worried face and teary eyes because he hates it, hates it when Jeremy cries. 

“Jer,” Michael says softly, and he sounds so close yet so far away. And all Jeremy wants is to reach out to him, but he can’t. He doesn’t deserve it. 

“Can I touch you?” He asks, and Jeremy wonders what he did in a past live to deserve such a question from a person too good for him. 

Jeremy shakes his head. “I- I don’t deserve you, Mikey.” His voice is cracked and hoarse and sounds just about as hopeless as he feels. 

The wooden floor creaks as Michael moves over, sitting on Jeremy’s left. Unthinkingly, Jeremy leans into him, because Michael is so warm and nice and so easy to fall for. 

“Mahal, if anything, I don’t deserve you.” Michael’s voice is soft and caring in the dead silence of Jeremy’s room. 

Jeremy opens his mouth to protest (how could Michael possibly be so blind?) but he is cut off. “You are the best thing that’s every happened to be, Jer. You mean everything to me. I don’t know what I️ would do without you. You’re so kind and understanding and sarcastic in the best way and funny and passionate and soft and so, so pretty and so easy to love.” Michael tenses as soon as he says that, but Jeremy only curls around him more, burying his head in Michael’s chest and looping his arms around Michael’s neck. He breathes in the calming scent that is Michael, lavender laundry detergent and weed and a slight hint of cologne. His tears soak Michael’s signature red hoodie, and he feels bad but this is not the first time they have done this and Michael always says to not feel bad. 

“You’re super nice, too, and smart in a way that no one else seems to be. You always try in school, even though it sucks, and you have a great taste in video games and slushees and everything else. You have such an awesome sense of smile. Plus, physically? You’re absolutely gorgeous, dude. Your eyes are so pretty and your hair is so soft. They both work so well with your glasses. Your hands are so thin and delicate and I️ don’t understand how they look so perfect. Your laugh is adorable and your smile lights up your face and I️ love your voice too. It’s so cute.” 

Jeremy pulls back from Michael to observe him looking anywhere but at Jeremy, a light blush dusting his cheeks. His eyes are wide and and there is a light smile on his lips and Jeremy just wants to kiss him but he can’t. Not when he doesn’t deserve it. Michael might think he does, but he doesn’t. What kind of asshole listens to a computer tell him how to be popular, and then abandoned the only oneperson who cared about him? He’s selfish and it’s been proven time and time again. He’s ugly, too- none of what Michael said was true. When he had the SQUIP, he was at least in shape and not wearing his ugly glasses. He had good hair and a good style and was confident. But now? He’s a fucking disaster, both physically and mentally. 

“Jeremy?” 

When Jeremy has the courage to finally look at Michael again, he finds golden brown eyes locked with his. Michael cups his cheek with a sad smile and wipes a tear away. “You were spiraling. I️ could tell.” 

Jeremy manages some sort of giggle at this. Michael knows him so well. 

“I️’m- I’m sorry,” Jeremy mumbles. “I️ just- I️ feel so guilty for what I’ve done. I feel like such a bad person. I’ve hurt you so much, Mikey. I don’t understand why you would still want me.” 

Michael’s smile breaks at that and he immediately envelops Jeremy into a hug, squeezing tight as if to make sure he is real. “Jer- I️-“

“It’s kinda stupid, I️ know,” Jeremy says, but if the wounded expression on Michael’s face was anything to go by, Michael was going to say something else. 

“It’s not stupid!” Michael exclaims, moving to grab Jeremy by the shoulders. “Oh my god, Jeremy, I️ get it. I know what it’s like to feel like everyone around you is too good for you, like you’re don’t deserve their affection.” 

Hearing Michael say that makes Jeremy want to start crying again, because Michael never deserves to feel that way. Ever. 

Seeing the impending tears, Michael used his hoodie sleeve to wipe Jeremy’s eyes dry. “It happens to everyone, trust me. I just wish you would understand that you do deserve me. You deserve every good thing in your live. God, to be honest, I’m not sure what I️ did to deserve you in my life.” With that, Michael gives Jeremy the fondest smile. Jeremy feels like he’s going to melt already, but when Michael leans down and kisses his forehead, the feeling multiplied.

His sense are overcome with chants of  Michael, Michael, Michael,  and he can’t help but choke out, “I️ love you. I love you so fucking much.” It feels relieving to say it, like a weight has lifted off his chest. Jeremy Heere is in love with Michael Mell.

“I love you too,” Michael says, and there is this finality that comes with it. Jeremy gets the sense that Michael will always love him, but it’s not the same. Jeremy’s love is platonic, of course, but also romantic. Michael just loves his as a friend. 

At this realization, Jeremy released a frustrated sigh. “No- wait- you didn’t-“ 

He cuts himself off after he figured out what he was going to say would reveal the fact that he had a flaming crush on his best friend and was constantly pining after him. 

But Michael looks at him softly and asks, “I didn’t what?”, and it becomes so hard to resist. 

He manages to until Michael takes his hand and says, “You can tell me anything, Jer. Always.” 

And then Jeremy cracks. 

“I just-“ 

He grabs a handful of the basement floor’s carpet in frustration. 

“When I️ said ‘I️ love you’, I mean it, like- like romantically. Like, full homo. If that makes sense. It probably doesn’t. I mean, I️ know it’s not like we ever say no homo, unless it’s, like, as a joke but we never say it when we share a bed or anything. I mean, I guess it’s implied, and I️ am totally not gay but-“

“Jeremy, hey, take some deep breathes for me, okay?” Michael’s hand is holding his and Jeremy realized that, when he started rambling, he also started hyperventilating. He focuses on Michael’s breathing and tries to match it, and the world comes back into focus and everything’s pretty close to okay.

“Yeah, just like that,” Michael says, and the amount of affection in his voice makes Jeremy’s knees weak. “Start over whenever you’re ready, okay?” 

“Okay,” Jeremy responds, and clutches Michael’s hand like it is his lifeline. If this goes badly, it could be the last time he ever gets to do that. He just hopes Michael realizes that Jeremy’s love for him isn’t meant to be reciprocated; it’s the result of a hopeless boy with a broken brain. The best case scenario is that Michael accepts it and they move on. The worst case scenario is that Michael screams at him and kicks him out of his house and they never talk again. But that’s fine too, since Jeremy doesn’t deserve him in the first place.

“So, you know how I️ just said ‘I love you’ and you said it back?” He starts. Michael only nods. 

“Well, when I️ said it, I️ didn’t mean it in like a.... friend way? I mean it in a... crush way, I️ guess. Like, I’m in love with you, Michael. Oh god, I️ can’t believe I️ just said that.” 

Ever since Jeremy figured out his sexualityand his crush on Michael, he has kept it under wraps. Virtually no one knows, except the SQUIP, but that doesn’t really count. 

He didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them. What if they decide they actually don’t like the nerdy bisexual kid after all and he goes right back to where he started? A friendless loser, except this time without Michael by his side. 

Even though Rich is open about his bisexuality, Rich is different. Rich is.... Rich. He’s fun to be around and less anxious that Jeremy and always seems to know what to say. Of course they would love Rich, regardless of his sexuality. But it’s a miracle if they even love a straight Jeremy Heere. 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Michael’s confused words send Jeremy plummeting back to Earth. His eyebrows are furrowed and he seems scared, yet he hasn’t pulled back from Jeremy. At least, not yet. “Jer- you’re gay?” 

Jeremy blushed, immediately regretting everything he said. “No- just, ugh, never mind! It doesn’t matter, I️ just-“ 

“Jeremy.” Michael looked right in his eyes and Jeremy had to look back, to lose himself in brilliant carmel eyes as he contemplated whether it was better to look at Michael’s eyes or his lips. Deciding on the latter, he looked down to see Michael’s mouth spreading into a delicate smile. Jeremy so desperately wants to kiss it off his face, but then Michael says, “I’m gay too.” 

I️’m gay too. 

I’m gay too.

The one thing Jeremy has wanted Michael to say since the middle of Junior year. And here it is, the chance his feelings might be reciprocated. The inkling of a chance. 

Jeremy then had to remind himself that he probably doesn’t deserve Michael, before quickly correcting him. “I’m, uh. I’m actually not gay. I’m bisexual.” 

“Thank you for telling me, Jer.” Michael’s voice is smooth and deep and soft when he says that, and Jeremy has added it to a mental checklist of things he loves about Michael. “I️’m just confused,” he countines. “So, you’re like in love me with me? Like, as in, ‘I️ want to be your boyfriend’ love?”

“Listen, I️ know you don’t feel the same, but that’s fine, I get it.” 

“Jeremy wait-“ 

“I get it completely. I’m ugly as shit and a fucking loser. Meanwhile, you’re like... perfect.”

“Oh my god, Jer-“ 

Jeremy covered Michael’s mouth with his hand, ignoring his wide eyes. “Just, shut up and listen for a minute, okay?” 

Michael nodded, and Jeremy continued. “You’re so nice and friendly and literally my favorite person. Plus you’re so fucking hot, Mikey. You have no clue what you do to me, Jesus Christ. And your hair is so-“ Jeremy removed his hand from Michael’s mouth, and waved them around as he attempted to come up with a word to describe Michael’s hair. “It’s so soft and cute and fluffy and-“ 

It takes Jeremy a moment to realize that he only stopped talking because Michael’s lips are pressed to his. It takes another moment for him to start kissing back, arms looping around Michael’s neck. It doesn’t last long and there’s no tongue, but it’s the best thing Jeremy has ever experienced.

Michael pulls away and rests his forehead to Jeremy’s. “That shut you up, huh? If you didn’t figure it out, I like you too, you dork. In a romantic way.” 

Jeremy shaked his head in disbelief. Michael clearly doesn’t get it. “Micha, you don’t need to tell me that to make me feel better. You’re way too good for me and I understand that. No one like you could ever love someone like me.” 

“But I️ do,” Michael murmurs, tone open and scared and loving. It’s hopeful and anxious and honest all at one, and Jeremy doesn’t understand how he can love Michael’s voice his much. He also doesn’t understand how Michael could like him back. 

“But it’s impossible that you do,” Jeremy argues. There wasn’t much bite in his words, but he hopes that Michael understands anyway. 

Clearly, he doesn’t, since he leans in, eyes flickering to Jeremy’s lips. “Can I️ kiss you?” Michael asks. 

“Wh- what?” 

“Can I️ kiss you?” 

Jeremy laughs too loudly. “God, I️- I️ want you too, so, so much. But I️ don’t deserve it, Michael.” 

Michael sits back, leans against his red beanbag. “Why don’t you deserve it, Jer? Is it- is it back?” 

Jeremy shakes his head insistently. “It isn’t, thank fuck. I just-“ He groans, hands gripping his head. “I just feel like you’re too good for me.” 

Michael softly removes Jeremy’s hands for their death grip on his head and gently tilts his head. Jeremy still refuses to meet his eyes. He has no clue what the fuck is going to happen and he’s not sure he wants to know. 

“Jeremy, I’m not too good for you. No way in hell.” He laces his fingers with Jeremy’s, and Jeremy sharply inhales. He’s finally doing what he has wanted for months, with the boy he loves. The boy he doesn’t deserve. “I could literally go on about what I️ adore about you.” 

Michael closed his eyes for a moment, thinking, before admitting “I️ have no idea where to start.” 

“I guess- I’ll guess I’ll start with your physical appearance. You are so, so pretty, Jer. Your eyes are so blue and your hair is so cute when it’s all messed up. Your glasses are dorky and adorable and make your eyes stand out even more. Your lips are so soft and kissable and I think you’re the only person I’ve met that manages to be cute and pretty and so fucking hot all at the same time.” 

Jeremy blushes, and he doubts if this is what Michael really thinks, even though he has less and less reason to.

“I love your voice too, especially when you sing. When you’re acting? Holy fuck, it’s amazing. You’re so passionate and I️ wish I️ could be like that. You’re so nice, too, and thanks to you I️ have a whole new group of friends. You’re always there for me and you always calm-“ 

“But I wasn’t there when it mattered,” Jeremy interrupts, eyes teary. God, he would give anything to go back to Halloween and fix all the shit he had messed up. 

“Jeremy.” Their eyes meet and Michael uses his thumb to wipe under Jeremy’s eyes. “Is this about Halloween? Because I️ forgave you the second you apologized.” 

“But I️ shouldn’t have done it in the first place!” He protests. Michael doesn’t need someone who abandons him. 

“Well, you made a mistake, and you’ve been there for me ever since. You seem to think that every time we’re not together you’re leaving me out, and that’s just not true.” Michael looks open and honest and grabs Jeremy’s hand to kiss it. “I like you so much Jer. I have for a long time. And trust me- you are good enough for me! There is no one else I️’d want, anyway.”

This time, Jeremy initiates the kiss. Their lips crash and Michael sighs into it, hand carding through Jeremy’s hair. Jeremy finds his hands on Michael’s hips and smiles a little bit. It’s finally happening. He’s finally kissing Michael. 

Jeremy’s smile causes Michael to giggle, until they pull apart with laughter. Jeremy feels full and loved and finally seen. 

“So, are we.... like, boyfriends now?”

Michael asks, so, so hopeful. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

Their lips meet again and again and again, desperate to express their newfound affection. It is somewhere between the hours of 11 P.M. and 2 A.M. that Jeremy realizes that he is enough for Michael and, although he doesn’t think that now, he will someday. And someday, everything will be okay. But, until it is, he has Michael. Michael, made of big smiles and soft edges and the smell of warm. The one person who will make him feel like he is enough until he knows that he really is. Because if he’s enough for Michael, he’s enough for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you again for reading!!!! i love you so much. if people like this fic i might make a longer part 2 explaining the boys coming out and their first date and stuff. that would probably be really fun to write so i’m down!
> 
> (if you liked it feel free to leave kudos and if you have criticism please comment it!!! just don’t be mean i am gay and soft)
> 
> <3


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